His movements are precise, almost planned. And he is so not slow. He thinks (deeply). When he speaks, I am too eager to listen for I really want to hear what he has to say. His eyes, they are beautiful. Blue, grey. An abyss. Object of my desire, my American beauty.

I promised a rant against Tobias, but I figure that once we actually get into doing our own thing, I will be just fine. But my beef is now with History of the Americas and Trigonometry. History of the Americas… all I do is sit, doodle, and think. I might try to include myself in the discussion, but it is dominated by others. So I back off, it is like “Whatever, she all ready said it.

I have gained a new respect for several people—Kyle, Yale, and Marjorie among them. My somewhat baseless first impression of Yale now gone, he is really an okay guy, and quite admirable at that. They are not bad people, they just have different opinions (and Yale simply does not reserve vocalizing his opinions, which is a quality I somewhat lack and feel would be nice to have). And is that not what I always preach, what I strive for—the embrace of other’s opinions?

TOK, I feel, was pretty great. Aside from the usual discussion, a couple of Metro grads-Kate and Amanda (maybe Amantha?)-were apparantly visiting and joined us. They talked about stuff, who they are, where they are going, how they are liking stuff. But it was Aman(d/th)a’s account of something that happened in her dorm that was particularly amusing. So you see, dorms the night before finals. This one chick decides to fry chicken at like 3 am.

So apparantly there is a Canadian Internet. Like Canadia (spelling intentional) is really all that speshul (again, intentional). Who am I kidding? It totally is! There was something I wanted to write about, but it slipped my mind. It really did, which sucks, because I feel as if it were something important, otherwise I would not have felt so compelled to write about whatever it was. I am going to get serious with the whole photography thing.

Today. First day (of school). Me myself, I am starting over. And in many ways. Afterschool. I greeted a woman–a stranger–as I walked the street to meet Jewell. I met Jewell. I thought that rather than sticking with my old, let us try something new. We checked out a new coffeeshop called Rhythm and Brews. Feeling willing, I tried a Cafe Latte to accompany my Lunchable. Even after several packets of sugar, I still did not like it.

So Kevin got what he wanted, Kevin got what he longed for. I got my get away, and I am loving it. For those of you who might hate me now or whatever, listen: I got sick of feeling ignored, and at the same time I hated the attention, whatever that is. Somewhere along the line came this desire to be alone, for the most part. But with that, I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it and keep some degree of sanity… so I know I also need some form of contact/interaction with others.

After school, sitting in the window, I was gazing out and noticed Shawn begin his run. The thing that angers me most is that I began to run after him - I literally dropped everything I was doing, Trapp homework at the time. I stopped, recoiled after I realized how far he runs and the pace at which he does. I sat back down and shared a thought with Jewell, a scenario in which I would run with him, but like a block into it I would get all winded and “collapse” into the grass, ideally the hilled landscape of those apartments down the block from Metro.

He is hot. It is a tease. There is this physical tension on my part that I find difficult to get over, maybe because there are lingering emotions… Maybe ‘cause he is just hot. I hate to leave that hanging there, because I am not the type to form relationships strictly based on physical attractions(, all the time). And I don’t want people thinking that. So, generally, no. There has to be more to it, for me.

Lack of access to a computer/the internet + the preference of typing entries rather than writing them for fear of their loss + a whole lotta shit happening these past few weeks = a bad combination. I suppose I will begin with the most recent events and work my way back. Yesterday, I met up with Jewell at Pageant for a concert, which featured Alisdaire, Ghetto Prenup, Steve BeQuette and the 99Dealers, and Thos; Allison later joined us.

me in uMbra alone, desolate, dark that candle? extinguished it was once my guiding light, my source of hope. gone. j’ai copains alonE nonetheless maybe that’s not the case but it feels that wAy i see you laughing, danCing, … and i wonder how you can… seem so Unaffected me? i’m. s.o. miserable. you don’t even acknowLedge me no hug, no hi(!) nothing. totally ignored. helP me understand tAlk to me.

I’ve seriously given up on reading that stuff. Whatever happens, it just happens. I’m very sure I’ll fail the Economon final because of this. But I really just don’t care. I have one thing, and just about one thing only, on my mind. And that thing is non other but Anh. Tuesday is only a few more hours away, but it seems like forever. This whole regret thing. Kevin, the cycle stops now.